FSA

surely, you all know the saying: "take the time to stop and smell the roses"

Something along those lines, anyways. Well, I tried that, it did little more than throw me completely off track with everything I was doing. Once you stop and smell the roses, the roses become so sweet it can be difficult to get going again.

Because once its time to get going again, you realize how late you are, and you realize all the reprocussions of how late you are. At this point it is easy to enter a state of panic, and panic is a horrible experience. For me, it lasts a short while before I just take things into perspective and keep on truckin', so to speak. For others, panic is a precursor to the quicksand of procrastination. This is not to say that I dont procrastinate on a daily, or hourly, for that matter, basis. And I may be rambling on at this very moment, not cognizant of the fact that I am one of these victims of which I speak. In any case, what I was trying to say is that this quicksand, it sucks you in, and sometimes its impossible to pull yourself out. I've recently witnessed multiple people give up on one thing or another (from a course, up to their entire college education!!) because of the overwhelming sense panic and procrastination team up to give someone.

That is why it is appropriate in these situations to just take a deep breath, and tell oneself:

"This too shall pass."

[end]

Dont

Does it really fucking matter how much money I make?


Yes.
well thats a problem

Sometimes I feel the only thing that can save me from myself---the bearing of the horrible thoughts I have found myself to be capable of thinking is music. In fact, its a great way to judge how serious an issue is for me. I am not talking about simply putting on my favorite record, although I am saying nothing against that, I am saying---

playing music with people who understand me, musically, allows me to--

holdon my jerkoff room mate's cell phone alarm just went off. why the hell he leaves it in here, I dont know.
Oh its his girlfriends. well that makes even less sense.

Ok, playing music with people who understand me, musically, allows me to (prepare for cheesy statement) express my true inner thoughts without fear of their effect on others. Nah thats not what I wanted to say, because half the time it doesnt even work that way.

I guess what I mean by all this garbled bullshit is that when playing music with those who parallel me on--skill level, interests, etc.--when that doesnt save me from a shitty day, there really aint nothin that will.

Thats why its a good say to judge whether certain emotions I may experience at any given time are anything to worry about.

Then again, everything I am saying here could very well be a direct example of cognitive dissonance--in which the areas of your brain which you use to conduct reasoning shut down--leaving your emotions to do the dirty work--making yourself feel better. In a sense...---OH! THERE IT IS! I HAVE IT! When the reasoning parts of my brain shut down, music can do the reasoning so that my emotions dont come in twisting and distorting my reality.

Music is the middleman.

[e nd]

Life Goes On

I think what really fucks me up emotionally, more than anything is suspense. If I know something is the case, one way or another, I tend to feel a whole lot better about it. The not knowing factor does not allow me to prepare for the result of the problem. This is, of course, how it is, for everyone, im sure. Just something that came to me today.

[end]

What brings me true happiness...

Knowing the people I care about


care about


me.


Knowing the people I think about


think about


me.


[end]

Love yourself

Love yourself. It is understandable finally as to why it is unhealthy not to love yourself. When you love another person, you fear conflict with them because you fear conflict may result in the eventual separation between you and your loved one. This is true for nearly everyone, every type of relationship, whether it is a sibling or a spouse. You can have conflicts with yourself in the same manner that you can with anyone else, practically. You may grow angry at yourself for any number of reasons, you may not be able to understand yourself, which will frustrate you, you may fight with yourself on what you want to do. Your mind and body will quarrel. WIth another, you can always just walk away and isolate yourself from them, however, save for death, or brain death, I can think of no plausible way to leave your body unless it is through some sort of spiritual enlightenment. However this means is only effective if you know your body and love your body, and therefore would not be having these issues in the first place. So we can rule that one out. You can neglect yourself, but you can not get rid of your self unless you die.

Thats a conclusion I just came to, anyways.

[end]

losing

Ever get the feeling that something really great to you is beginning to slip between your fingers? Doesnt it just instill that sinking feeling within your stomach that is really unmatchable by any news short of your friends or family dying? Ok maybe a slight exaggeration. Besides its different than that. No this is a shitty feeling that comes in bursts and just makes you feel so horrible, because the feeling it gives you suggests there is really nothing you can do about this really great thing slipping away from you. Directly approching the problem may fix it, however if this just my anxiety acting up again, partnering up with my overactive imagination, and there is no problem, I would be merely creating a problem if anything. I suppose taking passive actions could help, again, assuming there is a problem. But what actions would I even take? Whcih are the right ones? To know that I would have to no have this problem out of the way. Theres a monkey wrench on my mood. Every once in a while, someone walks past and bumps the handle swinging it to the opposite side. Cant stop this cant stop this cant stop this cant stop this cant stop this feeling. Living. Thats what it is.

[end]

Taking a step outside...myself

approx 115
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On a day such as this, that which starts off well, is so-so and it's becomings progressively worse, I could not retain my head.

Cold, wet, rainy, bike crash, shitty technology, nagging by ladies I do not formally know...

those are some of the adjectives and verbs which can describe this day. And when I said verbs, I was meaning to say nouns, so please substitute it respectively.

I was internally burning, my body could not react in a way other than provoking my mind, whichever part it is, that causes me to speak; to utter numerous combinations of curse words. "FUCK THIS SHIT" "FUCK ME" "GOD, FUCK IT ALL RIGHT NOW" et cetera. It led me to ponder myself. What was I doing? Aside from being a nearly broke college student I can not think of anything else that is not wonderful at this time of my life. I looked at myself from a birdseye view. I'm only a cultivation of matter, but as one once said, Matter is never without spirit, and spirit is never without matter. Im not so sure about the latter half of that quote, but focusing on the primary segment: i am not an insignificant speck of matter. Even if I were to be stranded in the middle of the ocean, alone, starving to death, I would merely be insignificant to my immediate surroundings. Numerous others would be directly affected in one way or another due to my disappearance. Who I am matters, to some degree. I took some deep breaths, exchanged formalities and informalities with some comrades while inhaling fumes of cancer. I took a walk. My cooler head has prevailed, once again my perceptions are intact with content.

To label this entry as narcissistic would be a deep misunderstanding; and if one should take it as such, please, I will be happy to explain.

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