Trust

And that is the question of the day. Who can I trust? To be right? To tell me the truth, the complete unbiased truth supporting no one's interests in particular. The cold, hard truth. Not the exaggerated, skeptical, conspiratical (if thats a word...) truth, but the real god damn thing! No one can. Perhaps the only reason I ask this is because I dont even feel that I can trust myself to decide who to listen to. I could always become a narrow minded individual and not listen to anyone, but I resent that in others. So I can easily rule that which I just said out of my options...but what does that leave me with? Faith. I have never really been one with the faith, to religion anyways. I have only been one with the faith that everything will work itself out in the end. But as I have matured, I have come to conclusions suggesting otherwise. That on so many different levels, we are fucked. As humans, as a planet, as a race, as a population, as a democracy! The only thing we havent failed at is continuing to fuck up. I feel somehow as if I am superior for realizing this, but am I? No...if anything, im just less fucked than everyone else...or, if there is nothing that can be done to change how fucked we are, im just MORE fucked, on a different level, because unlike others, I now must endure the mental torture of thinking about such matters. Some say torture is enlightenment...I will leave it at that.

Sincerely,
The Enlightened

[end]

[edit 1/19/10]
"Better to be a human unsatisfied than a pig satisfied."
-John Stuart Mill (utilitarian)

A vacation

It seems as if recently I have taken a break from thinking, but not from thinking about thinking in the sense of asking myself repeatedly why I have stopped thinking for no apparent reason. I guess that whole statement contradicts itself and then some but hopefully those reading this can pull meaning out of it. If not, take some classes in rhetoric, well, more specifically, take the class titled "how to decipher jumbled bullshit" because that should give you the tools to read this blog if you do not already have what it takes.

Rain is upon us, but no matter, it makes things more beautiful. This is a peaceful rain, it comes down but does not get you all that wet. Or perhaps, I have come to accept that my body is made up of 98 percent water and am no longer bothered with the sensation I receive when my skin collides with droplets of water.

I saw something very beautiful today, it was the result of something very tragic, the situation allowing me to see this very beautiful something, that is. Hopefully I will be able to view it for many years to come, it was astounding, if you want to know the truth.

I love having laundry done for me, but simultaneously find that when I start a load of laundry and dont finish it, and it is finished for me, that I am some kinda lazy fuck. Sorry mom.

Overall not much has been happening here, perhaps for the best!

Happy Holidays!

Zeph A.D.

[end]

plus...

ADS ADS ADS! THERE ARE SO MANY, you know? They just seem to ADd up after a while. That's right, we pay money to view ads, which suggest we pay more money to view more ads, and ultimately pay more money to view more ads, and ultimately pay more money to view more ads, and so on, and so forth, until one day we will become ads ourselves, and we will ADD up and kill all who are not ads. Boy, Dr. Seuss sure knows his shit.

Complete

The puzzle piece has found it's way in, yet now there is no way out. Thought embeds itself around the one subject. The impossible has been achieved yet now must be deferred because of the possible. On the other hand, if the possible occurs the impossible may no longer need deferring, and things shall go about as they should. Only time will tell, until then, the only thing we have is ice.

Power

I. Do you want to know one thing I have never understood? When someone who is basically your peer has some power over you and they feel that, rather than seeing you as a peer and feeling your pain, they decide to make it hard on you. There is absolutely no logical reason to do that sort of thing. Some situations are different, with the police, it is often that cops were once picked on, they feel like its payback time. Sometimes it is really for the good of the community, but not in my case. A PEER, a girl the same age as me, one school year above feels its necessary to be a thorn in my ass just for the hell of it. I guess she doesn't like musicians.

Ego, again.

So let me get this straight, my ego is essentially the bane of my existance, my ego is what causes all of my suffering and pain. I realize that, but simultaneously, my ego is what drives me to do certain things. One might say that doing things to feed my ego is a false way to center myself, that I should be doing things for myself. But I have been raised to believe that it is bad to be selfish! I dont do things merely for myself! I do things for others, and it makes me feel good to do these things! I like doing people favors, that is why I am often too nice (in my opinion, anyways). Again, they might argue that my own self should be the motivation behind doing people favors, well they have me there, although I will argue right back that things dont always work that way, sometimes you owe people, etc. My thoughts are jumbling, like a paper jam in a printer, like a blood clot waiting to happen. Before such a thing happens I will safely work my way out of this hole/ loss of train of thought by saying that EGO IS A MECHANISM OF SURVIVAL! Damn.

Thought..

I. I have been lacking a lot of it lately. I feel that I have lost sight of my true goals. I feel like I am making progress yet simultaneously shooting myself in the foot. There is a tradeoff between educational and social progress, lord knows I need to advance a lot in both. I read an interesting article today about the ego. The funny part was that I felt as if my mind were being read. As I would read one thing, I would think of another. Then, I would scroll further down the page only to read what I had just previously thought! It was a truly bizarre experience, but further thought led me to realize that the thoughts I think are just simply not unique. Everyone is the same. We are all comprised of more or less the same matter. Its a chilling thought, damaging to the ego, although according to the article I am speaking of, I can not truly find my center until I realize that all anguish and despair stems from my ego, myself. Ego is a false center.

II. I might give the concept of re-incarnation a second chance. In discussion with a fellow pal today I made a few connections that helped me understand the concept much more clearly. When we die, we enter the earth, one way or another. Food is grown from the earth. We are in the food. Humans consume us, we are in the humans. Humans make love, we are the love. WE ARE THE LOVE! We are the love that eventually creates a baby. Therefore once you realize this you are...immortal. Nobody is original save for adam and eve. We are all comprised of past lives, there is proof that memories remain imprinted in dna cells in deceased humans. (yeah i may have butchered the terminology there but deal with it). Of course you must remember, all I am telling you is based off of what my friend told me/assumptions/connections I made but I feel like it all makes a lot of sense, a whole lot more sense than any other theory I have heard.

[end]

People

Suck

Peers

I.Peer pressure. Why is it that some find it irresistable to resist? I am not speaking from a personal standpoint at the moment but rather analyzing a series of events I witnessed this week. I will not go into the specifics, but I will say that what I have come to realize is what some might consider a no brainer. Nonetheless, I will proceed with my argument that the effectiveness of peer pressure is contingent on one's independance. If an individual has the confidence to survive on their own, and do not fear rejection, they can withstand even the hardest peer pressure. Someone who isn't confident and starved for friends will submit to peer pressure usually pretty easily. The other factor in this decision making process is point of view. Why is it that we often see perfectly confident individuals submitting to peer pressure? Often it is because they decide to share the outlook of their peers, they join the party willfully rather than having to be convinced. The problem is that many of them are stupid enough to believe any haphazard series of facts slopped together by their peers. Rarely is it the case that a person is genuinely smart and researches the facts, and TRULY decides for him/herself. Yes, I realize these words are merely circumlocutions but your mind really is just one big loop. Your thought process builds only off of past experience, that is what dreams are. For all you know, that wet dream you just had could be about your aunt, because the mind will mix and match traits that you subconciously admire in other individuals. Because dreams come largely from your subconcious, your mind is not selective in the sense of morality (distinguishing between family, and people you are attracted to). And if you think I'm saying I have wet dreams about my relatives you have the complete wrong idea, I am merely expressing one thought that leads to another.

II.Stolen from an africa land, chased out with a knife...

[end]

Rats in society

I. Police wont come when you need them.

II. Avoid meth/crackheads, I assure you they're everywhere.

III. Playing music is the balance of my sanity.

IV. This society will eventually evolve back into a series of monarchies, if were lucky. If were unlucky, which is certainly the American way with George Bush (oh wait, that wasn't a matter of luck that was a matter of puppetry, pulling strings), and GLobal warming (once again, not really luck, we caused it. Oh lets face it, we aren't unlucky, were stupid as fuck! Anyways, if were "unlucky" it will be one big monarchy cough ...er.. I mean DICTATORSHIP! If all them skeptics says is true. But thats my problem with politics. Who the hell am I supposed to believe? The government? No thats controlled by corporations/money/underage sexual favors. Should I trust the conspiracy theorists (sorry Samet)? Well maybe, but I would just as soon trust spiritualists, which is not necessarily putting either down, although that is a whole new debate in itself which, at this particular moment I would prefer to avoid. Seeing that I still cant decide who to trust, I realize my best bet is probably to bribe the CORPORATIONS! BUT, how the hell am I supposed to do that?! I suppose that goes back to society, seeing that society (little bits and pieces of it, anyways) and corporations (media) really feed off of eachother, it sends us into a ping-pong game, between the two walls of which we feel we must influence. (If you dont get it, read it a few times, eventually, you'll understand what I'm trying to say there, its jumbled, I know).

ANYWAYS where was I? Oh yes, those skeptics (aka Conspiracy Thoerists). If they're right, about everything, it is probable that we will, one day, EVENTUALLY be enslaved in one way or another, our minds will be controlled. Look up chemtrails, clearly the mind control has already started if all that is true. I guess my problem with this whole idea is the amount of ifs there are. Then again, the future is one big IF itself. Think on that.

[end]

Nothing?

I. Nothing in the universe repeats itself..... is what I was told in a lecture the other day, amongst other things. if thats true then why am I writing in this blog again, as I have done a few times in the past? Why do I check my facebook? The evidence really speaks for itself on that one.

II. Esta bien, no esta bien.

III. Construction=destruction.

[EDIT: 1/24/10...

I realize now the brevity of this post resulted in brevety in my thoughts, and thinking about this from quite a shallow perspective. Thinking in terms of the ocean no wave is ever the same, and the ocean could destroy facebook, in so many ways. Physical especially. Facebook? Jesus, what was I thinking? I sound like a 14 year old girl. Feminists dont take that the wrong way cause it isnt the way I meant it.}

Mom read this and called me angry.

A)I cant help but see try to see things for what they actually are anymore. Its frustrating when you realize a lot of the bitter truths that exist in life. What can I say, some of them do make me just a little bit angry.

B)These twinges of discontent repetitively lash over me like a wave of iron, frustrating me, keeping my mind off of the most pressing issues. I guess that is just adolescense. Yeah, Im an adolescent. Id like to be an adult, but I wouldnt say Im all the way there. BUT SERIOUSLY HOW hard can it be to just be satisfied?

C) Here it comes again, that desire for sympathy or is it...---wait, im lonely? Why?! I really haven't had a good cry in years. That in itself is kind of sad.

D) Aids aids aids. Everybody has aids as they say...no but really I should start that paper.

E)Ive always wondered, is everything an illusion? Am I the subject of some huge experiment? AM I AN EXPERIMENT? Id at least call myself a prototype, aint found anybody thinks quite the same as I do. Boy that'd be impressive. To meet such a person- and not necessarily a significant other- would take a huge load off. I would surpress nothing, for I could say anything, if only there were someone who truly agreed with everything I thought. TRULY agreed. Not someone whos stupid enough to go along with it. But I love arguing, so that would actually be somewhat boring. Well I dont love arguing, but I have no problem doing it. Yeah, maybe I love it. Here you can see my indecisive trait coming out a little bit. As I was telling a friend yesterday, I often find myself stuck between two decisions. My mind acts much like a rubber ball, bouncing between two walls not too far apart from one another. Like a game of pong, in a sense. The speed increases, then the ball drops, and I make a spontaneous decision, such as my decision last night to start this god damned blog. Such as my decision to get up and stretch for a minute or two........

F)WHY THE FUCK DO ALL FACEBOOK PICTURE ALBUMS ALWAYS END UP ON PICTURES OF SOME DRUNK ASS RETARDS THAT I DONT KNOW? riddle me that.

[end]

The long dick of the law.

The end of your life

You know what has always cracked me up?

Every time I have ever been at a party that's been busted by the police there are always at least 2 people running around crying about how their parents are going to kill them. This just adds to my point (a point I frequently make in conversatons) that the KEY SIGN OF IMMATURITY IS NOT THINKING LONG

TERM! NOW this is where I go into the whole cliché part of saying your parents only do that shit because they love you. Well whether they love you or not does not really matter, what matters is the fact that THEY HAVE PROBABLY FUCKED UP OR SEEN SOMEONE FUCK UP BY DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. I had a friend, who gained a lot of my respect when one time, when we got rolled on by the cops in china camp, she just sorta laughed the whole situation off and said "its ok, i know im just gonna get grounded for this". While another time, some girl's mom merely called to check in and she started freakin out. Im trying to talk reason into these kids and they simply wouldnt listen to me. They told me to go away. IT WAS RIDICULOUS! (i spelled that word right for once) Oh big fuckin deal, youre grounded. Your parents want you to go to college. Cant fucking ground you there, can they? And who cares if youre grounded in high school. None of the shit you do outside of learning is really worthwhile anyways. And learning can be done outside of the classroom too. Learning in general is really the only thing that will benefit you.

By the way, Im pretty sure that vonnegut liked sartre.

Even by today's standards, that's style.

Throbbing guilt/pleasure/pain/hurt triggered by a point source that i shouldnt feeeeel yes I am writing a run on sentance its my right to write as I feel is right. Rite. now there's a word. We dont have a real rite of passage these days in this contemptable pile of bullshit we call a society. What we have is a society based on fear, this is why we follow traffic signals. However some of the younger generation have no fear, which is why the powers that be lash out at the youth. Why don't they (we?) follow these rules? Most cases is stupidity. Everyone thinks theyre invincible until some major shit happens to them. But thats my problem. No major shit has ever really happened to me. And believe me theres no way I would even go about calling myself invincible..........I think my problem is that until now I have not seen the future as something that would actually happen. But here I am. At the place I thought I would never be. Santa Cruz. Nice place, really. I was wondering what would happen the night before I left, a little over a month ago. I was wondering if I would incinerate in a horrible car fire along with my father and all of my belongings boy that would be some major shit.

II.

My other major problem is that I dont know who I am. Do you know who I am? No, how the fuck would you know that? You some kinda psychiatrist? Nah, youre a matrix typed up by some programmer youre really just matter. Matter is energy. Energy condensed to a slow vibration (thanks tool) and so are you. So am I. More on this in the future, my train of thought has changed tracks.

III. And for that matter what the fuck are we doing spending money to earn money? What an ironic thought.

IV. Vaccines. Do we trust them? Sure. But can you explain to me why I can count the number of times I've had the flu (1) in the past few years, when I have only had 1 vaccine in those same past years? The vaccine I did receive in 8th grade was a tetnis/diptheria (thats still around?) vaccine for Costa Rica. But thats it. Now I have relatives calling me up telling me I must incorporate a disease into the natural breakdown of my body. They tell me that I have merely ridden on the coat tails of the vaccinated kids over the past years. You know what I say to that? What a bunch of SHIT! FUCK drug companies, FUCK puppet doctors, FUCK puppet governments, and primarily, FUCK regents who have me taking out loans so they can have more money to buy their son a jaguar that he'll probably crash anyways. Nobody can fuckin drive these days. Fuck the fee hikes, last ditch option my ass. Stop pocketing.

V. Why is eye contact so important? Seriously. What is it in your brain that connects you to someone when you make eye contact? NO, none of those bullshit philosophical answers. Ok fine but only if theyre entertaining. Scientifically is what I am referring to though. What, scientifically changes when you make eye contact with another human being?

VI. What the hell am I doing on here? What do I want? Sympathy? For what? Attention? On what? I get quite a bit of attention as it is, negative and positive.

VII. I have successfully fucked my sleep cycle. Sodomized it, to be specific. Thats why I feel great now and shitty during the day. No insomnia yet.

VIII. Clockwork Orange: what the fuck!

IX. At times like this I want earplugs to drain my thoughts. Im feeling the effects of coffee I drank hours ago. Didn't kick in back then. Maybe this coffee has a delay or somethin. Coffee delay. New Concept. I patent it. You all witnessed it, bitches.

X. I realize that I make no sense in half the shit ive said here. Perhaps you can pull some sort of deeper understanding of myself from this material. I should really stop flattering myself, why is it that I think everyones interested in who I am? If i've learned one thing its that in the end, besides your family, (if that), aint nobody else gives a fuck about you.

XI. I feel sorry for myself. I dont know what I did to feel any sorrow. Perhaps its not anything I did at all.

XII. All her friends call her little wing, she flies rings around them all. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blahhhhh blah blah, and gives them feathers as they fall.

XIII. Had to add 13. Boy this will get tricky when my knowledge of roman numerals runs out. Anybody wanna help me with that?

No seriously. Give me a breakdown of the roman numeral system. Thats all I really ask. I dont even ask you to read this whole thread but merely the request just made will do.

Or nothing.

Sincerely,

Zeph A.D.